How Many Push-Ups Can a Bear Do?

I live in the woods now.  So I think about bears.  I know bears are strong.  So I wonder how many push-ups they can do.  I have trouble imagining a bear doing a push-up.  But my imagination is not very good.  I can do 24 push-ups.  I could do more when I lived in Centreville.  I think a bear is stronger than me.  But I don't know if a bear can do more push-ups than me.  I heard about the word "paradox" last week.  Is this a paradox?

CHORES

Tonight I am going to do chores.  I am a real adult and a husband in training.  And part of that training is doing chores.  When I was younger I did things on Friday night that younger people think are fun like bowling, bench pressing, body hair removal, coin rolling, horse breeding, and water sports.  Now that I am older I do things on Friday night that older people do because older people have to do things.  Here is a preview of what I will be doing.

GETTING STARTED

HELLO.  This is Mark thinking out loud from my new home in Fairfax Station.  Fairfax Station.  I should be on a Fairfax Station.  It would be called WJAM.  I could teach lessons to children like the value of honesty and how important it is to become a lawyer and how to crawl really fast.  That might be hard to do over the radio though.  Chores.  Chores.  Chores.  Chores.  When you say a word many times in a row it starts to sound weird.  Now my wife is looking at me weird.  I'm getting an erection.

MOPPING THE FLOOR

"May-----hugh...mopping the floor.  Mop Mop Mop.  It's like I'm jamming the mop into a bucket.  In the bowl mop.  Stop holding hands mop.  Oh no the mop is fighting back.  But I am May----hugh.  So Mr. Mop you're going back in the bowl.  Now it's like I'm rubbing the guys head on the floor.  Mop.  Mop Mop.  Mopping the floor with May---hugh."

ON THE PATIO

"Ohhhh Power Washer!  This patio is going to be clean.  Centreville Clean.  BOOM! POW! ZIP!  Water is incredible.  Look at that forest.  Can I see the forest from the trees?  Of course.  My vision is excellent.

BACK INSIDE

"Now it's time for a 5 minute break from chores.  I'm going to drink a glass of milk and watch the video for 'Nothing But a Good Time' by Poison on my broken iPhone.  Because good music makes things more fun.  Also Bret Michaels inspires me sexually and I live with my fiance.  Fiance is a dumb word.  OK Break time is over.

Autumnal Medidation

Leaves turn orange
Fall to the ground
I crave hot chocolate with milk
Sweaters emerge
Back hair returns
Centreville Football takes center stage

Days get shorter
Meals get longer
I punch a new hole in my belt
Make wedding plans
Holiday jams
Wildcats crush West Potomac this week

Don't worry.  I just jammed myself.  One man.  Shirtless.  Bloody.  The real deal.

HELLO

MAYHUGHMAYHUGH
MAYHUGHMAYHUGH 
MAYHUGHMAYHUGH 
MAYHUGHMAYHUGH 
MAYHUGHMAYHUGH 
MAYHUGHMAYHUGH 
MAYHUGHMAYHUGH 



Hello.  I am getting married to a girl.  We are in love.  She loves me.  I love her.  Our love is eternal.  Our love is our bond.  Our love has a pleasant odor.  Our love is delicious.  Our love is light blue.  And dark blue.  Our love will be validated by the government's legal apparatus.  And we will eat appetizers.  Then the main course.  Then desert.  Then what I like to call desert.  Mmmmm.  MAYHUGHMAYHUGHMAY
HUGHMAYHUGHMAYHUGH

I hang out with people again.  Jerry and I used umbrellas on Saturday.  Then we lost the umbrellas.  His umbrellas.  Not my umbrellas.  MAYHUGHMAYHUGH MAYHUGHMAYHUGH MAYHUGHMAYHUGH MAYHUGHMAYHUGH MAYHUGHM
AYHUGH MAYHUGHMAYHUGH MAYHUGHMAYHUGH

I will have a child.  He will be a strong child.  He will grow body hair.  He will have excellent vision.  He will have a Blackberry.  He will wear t-shirts.  He will breast feed.  So will I.

MAYHUGHMAYHUGH MAYHUGHMAYHUGH MAYHUGHMAYHUGH

MAYHUGHMAYHUGH MAYHUGHMAYHUGH
MAYHUGHMAYHUGH
MAYHUGHMAYHUGH
MAYHUGHMAYHUGH
MAYHUGHMAYHUGH
MAYHUGHMAYHUGH
MAYHUGHMAYHUGH
MAYHUGHMAYHUGH

OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD!!!

I am sitting at the bar at Fantastico's Genuine Italian Bar and Grille in Centreville waiting for my parents to show up and Brian Mitchell is sitting next to me. He's drinking a strawberry margarita. I'm staring at him and his drink. He's wearing a blue button down shirt and grey pants. They fit him really well. I also like his shoes.

This is great. Uh-oh my parents are here. My dad sometimes backhand slaps me when he sees me using my Blackberry. Mark Out.

Figure It Out, Clowns

Hello. I am Mayhugh.

Jerry and Geoff think they’re so smart. Just ask them. But they can not figure out something that is very simple. There seems to be some mystery about why I don’t hang out with them or anybody they know.

Just think about it. I am not gay. I am not a douchebag. I am not a hermit. I do not have a secret life. It is very simple.

I just don’t like you.

Look at me, I’m Geoff. I tuck my shirt in on the weekends. I wear loafers to the grocery store. I eat appetizers that are more cultured than Jalepeno Poppers. I make “reservations.” I use “big words.” I check my Outlook calendar to see if I have enough time to take a crap.

Then you probably wipe your butt with a pocket square.

Look at me, I’m Jerry I can’t get a girlfriend because I’m watching college hockey. I think I’m an adult because I don’t have disgusting Dewey couches anymore.

Let me tell you something, Jerry, baseball is stupid. My bathroom is five times as big as yours. Remember that time I fouled you and you screamed like a girl? That was nothing. I will bury you next time. Just wait, Jerry. I'm stronger than you. I will out-fight you. I will out-lawyer you. I have a really cool car and you don't. Get a decent haircut.

And the rest of you, I don’t like you either. We are almost six weeks past the holiday season, so we can consider this my Festivus Airing of Grievances.

Ted – You’re not the one who gets to live in the country and impress the townies with a cool cell phone. I am. Me. Mayhugh. I dominate Fairfax. Reston is no Fairfax and you are no dominator. You’re not the one who gets all the attention for having giant knees. I am. I’m the one with huge knees. That was my thing. Now you took it and you don’t even appreciate it.

Greg – I don’t know what’s worse, a non-punctual German or your inability to make an original joke. You dress weird. I’m not impressed with your carousing. Mine is better. You. Drive. MY. CAR. Check-Mayhugh.

Swint – I WILL JAM YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Slater – Slater is actually a nice guy. I don’t know why he hangs out with you jerks. I would have dinner with Slater at Quizno’s if he asked me. His clothes are too baggy though.

Carter and Bill – Having a family doesn’t make you better than me. Actually, to be honest, I am kind of impressed by people who have kids. And I am always honest. Always. Honest. Mayhugh. A-H-M. That’s what I call myself.

Swint – I’M SERIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

TJ – You have the name of a 10 year old and the attention span of a 5 year old. You don’t make fun of me. I make fun of you. Drinking during the day doesn’t make you cool. You can’t even do a pull-up. I hate you.

You, Lieutenant Weinberg?????

Rob and Rich – I don’t know either of you but I hear that you’re short and you like baseball. Those are two of the most despicable qualities a man can have.

Whitney – Is a girl’s name. I could respect you if you had a good name like Rick or Mark. But not Marc. That’s a stupid name.

Swint – YOU. BOWL. NOW.

That's the story. I'm having fun in Fairfax. I have a rewarding career that compensates me quite generously. I have a sex life that would make all of you blush. I watch four-star movies. I can run 10 miles. I can eat 3 Chipotle Burritos. I have everything. I don't respond to you because I don't want to hang out with you. And by the way, I'm not really out of the office every day. I just had the IT people set up a filter to respond automatically to people that I don't like.

Mustaches and Mopeds

Nothing proves a man is a man like the burly cocksuredness of being comfortable around mustaches and mopeds.